Security Camera Footage of Minneapolis Bridge Collapse

Security Camera Footage of Minneapolis Bridge Collapse

Breaking News: Dr. Matt, Anna Nicole, and Our Baby

Well, I figured it was about time to come clean and finally reveal that I am the father of Dannielynn, the child that Anna Nicole (I actually called her “monkey”; it’s a pet name) birthed Sept. 7, 2006. All the news outlets and tabloids keep speculating about who actually is the father. Well, they all have it wrong. I won’t reveal the details, yet, of how Monkey and I met (and the ensuing romantic endeavors). I’m waiting to give my exclusive to either 60 Minutes, People, the Outdoor Channel, or Mad Magazine.

Breaking News: Anna Nicole Smith Has Died

Anna Nicole Smith was found unresponsive after collapsing at the Hard Rock Cafe and Casino in Hollywood, FL. Smith passed away at approximately 3pm, and the cause has yet to be determined.

Astronaut Love Triangle

Who ever would have thought I’d get to say those words? Seems like this is the biggest story in the 24-hour news cycle today:

“A judge granted bail Tuesday to a NASA astronaut charged with pepper-spraying a romantic rival before attempting to kidnap her from a parking lot at the Orlando airport.

But the judge warned that Navy Capt. Lisa Marie Nowak is to have no contact with NASA engineer Colleen Shipman and must wear a GPS, or global positioning satellite device, to ensure she does not travel east of Orange County, where Shipman lives.

The charges against Nowak stem from an alleged love triangle in which Nowak and Shipman were competing for the affections of astronaut Bill Oefelein, police said.”

It’s news like this that does absolutely nothing beneficial for the feminist movement. Women have worked excruciatingly hard to be able to break barriers and enter into fields such as this. After this stunt, we’ll hear conservatives whining about allowing women to become astronauts (or any other high paying, important job) because they’ll fall in love with their co-workers and pull crap like this.

So, let me be the first to thank Lisa Nowak for single-handedly setting the feminist movement back about 20 years.

Final Harry Potter to be Released July 21st

For all of those out there that are as huge fans of the Harry Potter series as I am, author JK Rowling announced today the final installment of the series (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows) will be released on July 21st, 2007!

Get on that waiting list today!

Meatwad, Master Shake and Frylock Shut Down Boston

All of the major MSM outlets have been covering the story of suspicious packages found throughout Boston today. According to reports, “…a number of ‘suspicious’ packages were found. The first device found on a highway forced authorities to shut off traffic, and detonate the package which witnesses on various news reports said contained loose wires.

At least four more suspicious packages were found in the Boston metropolitan area, and the Charles River was shut down by the Coast Guard as authorities took precautions.”

Turns out the packages contained “a device which resembled a toy Light Bright set, with colored light bulbs patterned to show an outer space character from the Adult Swim cartoon Aqua Teen Hunger Force called a ‘Mooninite.'”

Apparently Master Shake has struck again!

“Hey Carl, it’s cool man, I’m a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think … meteors did it! That’ll be $20.”

Breaking News: Bush Reads Constitution

In an amazing twist, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez has issued a new letter in which he states that the NSA Wiretapping/domestic surveillance program is now subject to FISA courts.

The full text of the letter can be viewed below (via TPM).

According to right-wingers, FISA was absolutely unnecessary and the President had the power to do as he wishes, without the approval of FISA (even when a warrant could be received retroactively up to 72 hours of wiretap initiation).

In late 2005, Weekly Standard Editor Bill Kristol, and AEI “scholar” Gary Schmidt penned an Op-ed for The Washington Post (which of course left out much vital information about FISA) which contained this gem:

“This is presumably one reason why President Bush decided that national security required that he not simply follow the strictures of the 1978 foreign intelligence act, and, indeed, it reveals why the issue of executive power and the law in our constitutional order is more complicated than the current debate would suggest. It is not easy to answer the question whether the president, acting in this gray area, is “breaking the law.” It is not easy because the Founders intended the executive to have — believed the executive needed to have — some powers in the national security area that were extralegal but constitutional.”

Kristol and Schmidt argued that the President can, in some instances, break the law if he deems it necessary. These “rule of law” Republicans (neocons in sheeps clothing) threw their ideology out the window and sold their souls to support actions by the president merely because he is of the same party, and wished to support the neoconservative agenda. All of this for actions that could easily have been avoided, since FISA allows for wiretapping to begin, with the stipulation a warrant is received within 72 hours. Not to mention only 6 requests from the Bush Administration to the FISA court for a warrant were ever denied.

Now just over a year later, the President is admitting (or is possibly frightened of Congressional subpoenas)that FISA is the rule of law in the United States, and will finally follow its provisions. Integrity, credibility and the Constitution were thrown out the window over the slighest of challenges: 6 denials and slightly over 150 modifications to warrants by the FISA courts. Another example of Bush’s delusion that he is King, and can do as he wishes.

Or maybe someone finally read the Constitution to him.

Update: This sudden change of heart, it seems, comes only a day before Gonzolez is set to testify before Congress on the issue. After 6 years of GOP rule, unchecked powers, and the ability to do as he wishes, President Bush reversed his course just one day before his “course” was set to be questioned. Under oath.

%d bloggers like this: